Society for Aesthetic Deletions

Okay, that critics are idiots is nothing new to us, but this one just takes the cake. Maybe it's a British thing?

Everyone is asking - well, lots of men, anyway - why so many women are raving about Peter Jacksonís trilogy.

They are? Where? No men I know.

The fact that the best clinches youíre likely to see are when orcs grapple with elf warriors on quasi-medieval battlefields. None of this sounds particularly conducive to making the chardonnay pound fly out of the average womanís handbag.

I know some folk who enjoy the slash subtext, or text as the case may be. But I must admit, I love a good battle scene as much as the next man.

Iím pretty sure that Jackson didnít look through his lens at shots of Gandalf battling with Sauron, their beards fluttering in the wind, their nighties billowing around their knobbly knees, crabbing to each other about ultimate power, and think: "Chicks are going to go crazy for this". Yet women everywhere, including myself, are going crazy for it. Either that or weíre simply going crazy.

Does this idiocy even need commenting on? Oh, why not...first, get you names straight. It's SARUMAN, not Sauron, with the nightie and the knobbly knee, not the Lidless Eye. Oh, I'm not going any further...

Because actually, guys, women have heard of the books, even though we probably didnít bother reading them, having had much more time for Max Factor than Tolkien when we were teenagers. And yes, admittedly, to an extent we are just being nosy.

Umm...no. There are PLENTY of geek girls, or didn't you know that? SOME of them weren't more concerned with their makeup than reading. Really. It's true. Honest! I'm one.

Movies such as The Lord of the Rings are a good way to spy on men, see within the most primitive areas of their psyches -- all those yearnings for transcendence, nobility and majesty that still tickle away deep within the male soul.

*blinks* Umm...it is? They are?

While the guys get Pulp Fiction and The Usual Suspects, all the women get is patronised.

Considering that I saw Pulp Fiction in the theater three times, and I stop every time I pass The Usual Suspects on cable and can't stop watching until the end, even though I have it on video and now just got it on DVD, this comment just offends me.

Above all, though, The Lord of the Rings is just Gladiator syndrome all over again. Gladiator was the last "male" movie to hit the female spot, proving that women were just as interested as men in complicated themes such as glory, honour, destiny and valour, and, you know, the "big stuff" of life.

Or maybe they liked the battle scenes. Or the hinted-at past romance of Maximus and Lucilla. Or they just wanted to see Russell Crowe in a skirt. Does it really matter?

Liv Tylerís brief, soppy appearances as Aragornís elfin love interest are just plain irritating. (Leave the man alone, heís got forces of darkness to deal with!)

Well, I'll give you that I'm not extremely thrilled by the expansion of the Arwen stuff, but it needed to be done. Otherwise we'd have too many (male!) characters wander in and leave, one scene only. And that'd give us the only recurring female presence in the movie as Eowyn. Bringing back Galadriel in TTT and expanding Arwen's role is the best way to accomplish that. Otherwise you'd probably be writing an article about how sexist Tolkien and/or Jackson was by not including more women in the books/movie!

Just as men enjoyed Gladiator because it reminded them of what men could and should be, women loved it because it also reminded them of what men or, more to the point, mankind could be. The same applies to The Lord of the Rings.

*shakes head sadly* I loved LotR and Gladiator because they are FANTASY, not because seeing them inspires me to tell my husband he should take his wedding ring and journey to Kilauea, battling dangers and hardships all the way, to fling it into the volcano. Or that if I am killed by evil men, he should become a gladiator (Fight Club, perhaps?) and get revenge on my killers. I'd hope he could move past my death, and get on with his life. I certainly wouldn't want it to cost him his own.

Where men go wrong is that they think that just because they were more likely to read The Lord of the Rings as spotty adolescents, just because theyíre genuine fans, they own the concept for life.

I read the books as a spotty adolescent, too. I was very spotty, in fact.

Tolkien, Aragorn, Legolas. 1 5O O\/\/N J00!!!!!11

And in some ways you can sympathise. Having done their time with Tolkien, and been mocked for their sins, they must resent female interlopers barging in when itís all been laid out in nice easy form. What was once a safe boysí locker room has been forced open. It has been invaded by lots of annoying "instant experts" in skirts suddenly thinking they know what theyíre talking about, when they havenít paid their dues and can barely tell their Aragorns from their Legolases.

Anyone who can't tell Aragorn from Legolas is just a poser anyway. Geez, woman, you're making women seem like just the thing you seem to be railing against!

Still, all those miffed men out there had better get used to it. Females are on to this Lord of the Rings thing now. We want in, and thereís very little you guys can do about it. Come and have a go if you think youíre hard enough.

Again, I ask, who is miffed? Who? Tolkien fans I know welcome outsiders with open arms! We hand you books, we give you trivia, we tell you how far it is from Edoras to the Black Gates!

ARGH!

</rant>